Being on the road reminds me of why my soul suffered so while I lived inside, shut away from the world. I crave adventure, and excitement, while simultaneously having an overwhelming need for stability. Maybe I need my own bus, full of art supplies. But I KNOW I need balance. And honesty with myself in order to find and maintain such a thing.
I'm still not sure what it is that makes me happy. I've visited that place, but I'm not sure I've ever lived there, although I've convinced myself otherwise many times.... How do I define what happiness is? What constitutes such a thing? I need to be part of my community. I need to serve an active role for the benefit of others. I need to have a livelihood to the benefit of myself so I'm not a drain. I need excitement, adventure, and stability.... Highly conflicting things, it would appear. I need a lot more music. To create. To love. To dance. To be free of abuse. I need room to grow. And I want to come home more than to have one. I'll figure it out. If I learn to know myself, I'll recognize the answer when it comes.
And although I rarely speak of it, I want to serve God in whatever ways I'm called to. But more and more, when I hear the calling, I'm just called to be myself. To forgive myself for what I am, because its what I'm meant to be. To allow myself to be moved to action for His will. I believe in many things, that can be defined in many ways..... I am a child of the universe.....
How are we walking each other home when none of us know the way? Pretty amazing, I think. Just follow your feet and trust your faith.
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