How Traveling On Foot Made My Faith Stronger

  

        Faith on the Road

  I've spent the better part of my life as a backpacker, hitch hiking across the United States. I've attended a large number of Rainbow Gatherings, and worked countless small jobs along the way. While at times, I experienced symptoms of homelessness, other times, I experienced things that cannot be bought.    I would not trade my travels for anything.

     I, along with many friends I met along the way, went through intense personal growths during our time traveling and i honestly can't tell you that I would be who I am today had I not spent that time on the road. I volunteered with traveling free food kitchens, I worked for a Gator Farm. Ive climbed too many mountains to count or name. During all that time, for the most part, I kept my faith.

   
      I as well as anyone will tell you that Christianity itself is downright criminal. Responsible for some of the largest massacres in all of history, Christianity as an institution is full on offensive. But this does not mean that I don't believe. I believe in many things.  I believe in today, I believe remotely in tomorrow. I believe in myself, and right now. And most importantly and in relevance to the title, I believe I'll make it ok, and that I've had some serious help along the way. some of this help came from people, and some, from unseen forces that i would be condemned as a crazy woman forever if I gave much time explaining.

                             
  
     Sometimes, you just suddenly know something without knowing. Sometimes, exactly what you need to happen happens just as you're getting ready to think of it. The moments of serendipity were frequent on the road, and it's almost impossible not to believe in something greater than yourself when you're out there, no matter how you choose to define it.

   

    I've found hundreds of bananas, or a 100 dollar bill. I've found friends under bridges, and in high rise condos. I've woken up next to the highway to the most incredible views and I can't help but think that the entire time, I was exactly where I was supposed to be each moment. When i stopped overthinking things, everything i needed came easily and i rarely wanted for anything for long.

      Now that I'm back in a home, raising my family, I need to remember this effortlessness with which my life used to flow, as I'm certain it can still, so long as I don't get in it's way.

When You're Angry With Christians (And You Have Every Right To Be)

    First off, I find it necessary to note, that I AM a believer. However....
   
    After the first time I got exorcised, I became angry with God. Very angry. with all we had gone through in our relationship, I couldn't believe this was happening. Here I was, in His house, being called a thief, and a prostitute, by His people. After I had kept Him so close, for so long, in the darkest of places? I felt a sense of utter betrayal.
    By the SECOND time i got exorcised, I was beyond livid! There was no way any God that knew me would say any of these things to these people! "We exorcise the demon of theft out of this young woman!" "we exorcise the demon of prostitution out of this young woman!" It hurt. There is no ego wounded so badly as in the case of such a God smack.
     I was none of what the church kept accusing me of. Those churches did not know me. I was new there, or a random passerby. The THIRD time someone attempted to pull me into an exorcism, I was hip to the jive, and did not allow it. He thought it would cure my schizophrenia....
     This was the final straw, and what would inevitably lead me to conclude that God, Himself, did none of this. God did not tell His people bad things about me. They were just zealots, hopped up on a good book and maybe a little too much free will. What God HAD done, was created me. he created me, and schizophrenia and he gave that to me as a gift I would only begin to unwrap at exactly that point in my life. If I weren't meant to be, I wouldn't, and i cannot allow some misguided church people lead me to believe otherwise. Not even for a moment.
    Fast forward to the present day. It's been several years since anyone had any plans to vacate demons from my body. And it's gotten to the point where, God and I? Back to being homies. The church? Well, it can pretty much leave me alone. After lighting some of my ancestors on fire for being herbalists and midwives, I should have known it wouldn't be all that much better in the modern age.
     If you happen to be christian, please understand, I'm probably not angry with you, so much as the institutions you may uphold. I'm maybe a little disgusted. People leave catholic schools hating God, and it takes a special kind of evil to get someone to hate Him. I still pray, but I don't want to pray with anyone else. And so I only find fellowship occasionally. I avoid services. I avoid groups of Christians.
     As Christians, I think this is symbolic of unattended responsibilities to learn to accept those with mental illness as His creation. We see a "problem" and we want God to solve it for us. But, what if God saw a different problem first, and this thing we don't want to see for the challenge that it is, IS the solution to that problem?  What if we are flaking on God when we ask Him to do away with our tests?
     If you're angry with Christianity, I totally get it. The list of crimes keeps being added to. Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, Witch Hunts, Genocide.....
     If you Are a Christian, I sort of get that, too. Maybe they've never exorcised you, you like not feeling cast out. The moment you're the one they start throwing stones at, things tend to change. Please do not allow your groups to continue this madness. IT IS OK to defy the church. Jesus chased people with a whip in one. IT IS OK to call out your fellowship when something is not right. And it may just be your test.

Returning to the Light